Letters to Hawkeye
by Sticky Barb
Summary: The Awesomely Awesome Hawkeye, at your service! Help me... I've been placed under house arrest! I'm bored out of my mind... -discontinued-
1. Chapter 1

Hello, not-as-awesome-as-me Maplers! My name is Hawkeye! Also known as 'Mr. Awesome', 'Definition of Awesome', 'Sparky', 'Awesomely Awesome the Awesome', and many other names that I can't think of right now (because I'm too awesome).

I am one of the chief knights of the Cygnus Knights of Ereve, as you should already know despite your less-awesome brains. I am the leader of the awesome Thunder Breakers, also known as the 'Awesome Underlings of the Awesomely Handsome Chief Knight Hawkeye'. As I write this letter, I am sitting in one of the Empress's tiny little confinement cottages – which brings us to the main problem here.

I am under house arrest.

Oh, it's nothing serious – I, just, um, demolished one of the ancient Erevian structures that are scattered all around this stupid floating island in my sleep. Come _on! _Sleepwalking is a small problem for the Awesome Hawkeye! But the Erevian Council deemed me too dangerous to be allowed to roam the Maple World freely, so here I am in this tiny cottage. This is _beyond _stupid... how can they even _think _of keeping me in this little hole? If only they didn't have magic-resistant walls and the dozens of knights patrolling outside...

So. Here I am. Not even Oz is willing to chat with me online (every time I try to strike up a conversation, she 'appears offline'), so I hacked into this cozy little FanFiction dot Net account to set up a Q and A session. I would read Irina's stories, but I think she might kill me if I do.

I'm so bored... I'm willing to do _anything_, even answer your un-awesome questions. So just leave a review or something, and I'll give you an answer in another chapter, mmkay?

Wow, it sure is dark out. Looks like it's gonna rain... but then, that wouldn't be so bad. Those pesky night walkers would have to go home – I just hope my internet isn't disrupted...

Damn. Gotta go pee. Bye~


	2. Chapter 2

Yo yo and _hellllooooooo! _It's the magnificent, unbelievable, divine, indescribably awesome _**HAWKEYE! YEAHHHHHHH**_

Cough. Sorry bout that. I currently have a very horrible fever for reasons unknown... Could it have something to do with the fried chicken I ate last night? Brr... I'm never eating Kiriyu's cooking again...

Anyways, sorry for the delay! That rainstorm caused a blackout (that was partially due to me accidentally overloading the electrical supply with my own electricity in a terrible attempt to zap a Night Walker who was standing on a wire), so I was without internet for two days. And since there was no electricity, I couldn't do anything but do squats in here... Seriously, this is boring. At least the power is back on – the Empress had enough sense to put a TV in here...

Uh, off topic! To ward of my boredom, here's my responses to your questions~

By ThahnuFia:

"_(Just because I'm worry sick about someone and need a distraction). Here go nothing:_

_1. How long is Neinheart's hair ? Longer than empress Cygnus ?_

_2. Oz or Irena ?_

_3. Tap Mihile or tap Eckhart ?_

_4. Did Kyrin ever beat the fuck out of you for stealing all her pirate ?"_

Worried sick? Don't tell me you're another Aran fangirl... I heard he got beaten up pretty badly when he went to challenge Zakum. Help me tell him to be more careful! He can't possibly be as awesome as me no matter how hard he tries, even if he's a hero!

Okay. Um, Neinheart's hair? Why... Why are you interested in _that? _I understand that it's the same color as Aran's hair, but isn't... never mind. His hair really isn't that long, the empress has longer and nicer hair. I think his hair used to be black, then it all turned gray from stress.

_(Pssst. Just a theory, but... I think he doesn't wash his hair. He has way too much paperwork and he doesn't use my awesome Nependeath Essence Shampoo.)_

The second question... Oz or Irena? Ahem... Irena is technically _Mihile's, _so... O-Oz it is! This has _a-absolutely __**NOTHING **_to do with p-personal preferences...!

Tap Mihile or tap Eckhart? I'd choose neither of them. I'd rather tap Horned Tail than them...

Kyrin, beating me up? O-Of course not! I'm way too a-awesome to, uh, get beaten up by her! Er, heheh...? (gulp) A-And her pirates were naturally attracted to my awesomeness, so it isn't classified as s-stealing!

O-Okay, those were tough questions... N-next.

"_I don't even know what this strange contraption is. I found it in Oz's room. Is this that computer she's always talking about? Whatever, it'll have to do._

_Hawkeye, you shithead..._

_MY students going back because of rain? Ha!_

_They can withstand any kind of weather - rain or shine. Unlike yours; the lazy bastards, their pompousness is second only to only to those holier-than-thou Dawn Warriors. They get it from their instructors, I'm sure._

_You and Mihile are the WORST teachers. Just putting that out there._

_Ranting aside, I suppose I'll ask you a question anyway._

_1. Why don't you have a mask as awesome as mine? It's fangirl bait, man. I scare them all away after I take off my mask, but still. Oh, and the mysteriousness/darkness of the rest of my uniform helps, too. I find that certain activities (namely, sitting down, or walking, or doing anything that requires me to move my legs whilst wearing these leather pants in one way or another) comes with many complications, but it's totally worth it._

_2. Why the hell are you a pirate (sailing the seas [WITH LOTS AND LOTS OF WATER], I'd assume) when you throw ELECTRIC sharks? Does Goddess really hate you that much?_

_For now, auf wiedersehen._

_You sleep-walking, destructive, fucking obnoxious idiot."_

Ha! From Eckhart, that snooty no-good little...

You don't even know what a _computer_ is? What a noob! Even Grendel has one in his library, to watch po- uh, do research on Maplepedia! Tch... You're lowering the collective intelligence of the knights of Cygnus... Thank the Goddess Oz is here to help drag it back up...

And I'm not a shithead. I'm an awesomehead. Just clarifying.

Humph! Your students are not that bad after all... they stood there stoically like statues in the rain. Hah! I gotta admit, I laughed like hell watching one get struck by lightning! (FYI, the strike was _absolutely not _directed by yours truly) And I am an AWESOME teacher, unlike you, mopey-face!

I don't _need _a mask. Life's much easier not looking like a Halloween leftover prop. And I already have enough fangirls as it is – I don't need more! And my uniform is just as awesome as the rest of me, yours just looks gothic. Seriously...

I throw electric sharks. Problem bro? Selachophobia, hm? My, my... tsk tsk tsk. Conclusion? I throw electric sharks. Don't ask me why (because I don't remember). Just the properties of the magic I use I guess. Well, bye bye you little dirtbag.

_(P/S: What's **auf wiedersehen**?)_

Yay, now comes the fun part! Here's Oz's lovely little letter:

"_Hiya Hawkie-chan. I'm sorry for going offline whenever you talk to me, but it's something serious, reallyyyyy. Why ? Cus scary Neinheart threaten to cut my pay check if I don't. Sorryyyyyy~_

_Anyway, there's something that's bothering me... How come you get more girl than Eckhart and Mihile combined ? Oh, wait. Everybody is still asking about Mihile's true gender and Cygnus-chan wants him so he gets no girl, at all. Oh oh oh, and what do you think about the up coming job that's called "Mihile". Do you think it's unfair to you and the rest of the Chief Knight ?_

_Okie, that's all. Cya later Shark boy~"_

Hi Oz! =D It's been awhile since we last talked! I miss your nice red hair and hot bod, babe.

On second thought, I should refrain from saying that. You'll probably roast me for complimenting you on a public site (which is weird, since you seem to enjoy self-praising on Facebook). And don't worry, it's totally understandable that you have to get off the Net. I believe you, and Neinheart is a sexist asshole anyway. Anyway, time to answer questions~

I get more girls than that two combined because _I am awesome._

_Awesome._

_AWESOME._

_**AWESOME!**_

That said, there's always space for you, so feel free to visit me here in this stupid cottage! I'll text you the address later, though I think you can ask around.

Mihile's... true... _gender? _Cygnus... _wants him? _Oh Goddess I wish I could unread that oh shit oh shit

Upcoming job called 'Mihile'? That's _totally _unfair! I demand a new job called _Hawkeye's Awesome Shit-mangling Heavenly Ultra Knights of the Destruction King Mega Fighters! _Why does that blondie get all the good stuff? Maybe Cygnus _does _fangirl him in secret. TToTT

Sigh... No more questions? Then I'm off to watch an _'Of the Dragon, Of the Stars' _rerun on TV then. Bye~


	3. Chapter 3

Yay yay yay, lots of questions! I'm bored like hell in here, and even tried to make a sculpture out of my own faeces (please don't ask)...

So let's skip the chit-chat and ignore the growing pile of laundry in the corner and let me answer some questions!

"_Hn, I doubted that. You being way more awesome than me ? I delivered the Final Blow, The Final Blow, and sealed the Black Mage. My face has been on both the history book and the newspaper more than you could count. For once I agree with Emo boy of Ereve, your element is fucked up! Your sharks can't beat my wolves, and I got Lillin. Jealous ?_

_Anyway, here's a question for you:_

_Do you think it's odd that Cannon Shooter look 75% like me ?"_

That was Aran... and yes, I am more awesome than you, and clearly you didn't do your job properly since the Black Unawesome Dude is back and tearing shit up in the Maple World? And you're hundreds of years old, which is definitely disgusting (to me at least)... And my element is _not _fucked up! It's freaking _electro sharks, dude! _How can you argue with green lightning fishes? And you can have Lilin, I have no interest in that cold and slightly scary girl...

Cannon Shooter looks like you? Seriously, I never noticed the similarities. I'm too awesome to take notice of my lowly serfs anyway, muahahahahahah~

(cough) Next up, a question by, uh, Irena!

"_First, I don't even want to be here at the first place. I blame Oz for telling Mihile that I want to send you some question because she afraid he would slice you into half and make soup out of your precious sharks._

_Second, I'm nobody's. Not even Neinheart can boss me around. Got it ?_

_Good._

_1. I want to correct your answer to ThanhnuFia first. Neinheart's hair is light blue, not silvery white. And is he related to that blue haired girl in Rien island ?_

_2. How stupid are you to think that you get more woman than the rest of male Maplers ? Even the Cannon Shooter gets Aran's twin sister. Who did you hook up with ?_

_3. Your thought about Mercedes ? Is she a snobby queen?"_

If you don't want to ask something then GTFO. J-Just kidding! Don't shoot me! I already have enough assholes without you making me several more, so please spare me...!

Neinheart can't boss you around? Sure he can't...

The strategist has light blue hair? I never noticed, but then, that's why I'm not an archer. I have no idea if he has any family, or if he _cares_, so ask someone else, okay? Oz probably knows, or ask Tru in Victoria Island to find out for you. Better yet, just ask them straight up, since I can't get out of this hellhole...

I get _tons _of females, Irena. Mihile has never been in a serious relationship and Eckhart is too emo to care – Aran is too old, Evan is too young, Phantom is too perverted, Crow and Starling are just... no thank you. So they all flock to me, attracted to my awesome charm. I'm surprised you can resist my irresistible awesomeness... but then, you _are _the famous Green Breeze of the Cygnus Knights, after all.

And... Cannon Shooter gets Aran's twin sister... what? Aran has a _sister? TWIN sister? Not _cool – since she would be over a hundred years old. Ew. Even I can't get it on with an old woman. Just... yuck.

Mercedes? I've never actually met her in person, but from the newspapers I think she's really hot. At least 36/80D, and she has awesome elvish charm and nice hair. Sadly I think she is still infatuated with Freud (at least that's what Aran told me the last time he visited) so I won't even _try _to compete with a dragon master who formed a pact with the _KING _of Onyx Dragons... And I don't know if she's snobby, but a woman that pretty probably is a little haughty, eh?

Next question~ from a Dual Blade (which one are you? I will hunt you down since Dual Blades are an illegal organization)...

"_How dare you call yourself the awesome king of awesome. I am the awesome around here, got that mister not-so-awesome. You Thunder Breakers are sooooo lame! You call them knuckles weapons "of awesomeness"? We awesome dual blades have two weapons! Of awesomeness! Who else has two weapons? No-one i know!_

_Yours awesomely, Dual Blade_

_PS: If there's one thing i agree with is that Mihile has insufficient awesomeness to have his own job."_

I am _the _awesome king of awesome. Deal with it. And my Thunder Breakers are almost as awesome as me, so you dual blades can fuck off to your little 'Secret Garden' (awesome Korean drama by the way) and jerk off in front of Syl. I don't care, since _we will hunt you down_. And two weapons? Both our fists have knuckle dusters, and we can shoot _electro sharks baby! _Beat that? All you can do is roll around, jump and slash and summon weird owl figures from the sky...

And yeah, Mihile is too un-awesome for his post. I'm trying to convince Cygnus to replace him with someone else, but that girl is too stubborn for her own good.

Speak of the devil and he will come knocking... here's a letter from Mihile.

"_I'm getting my own class soon. You jealous?"_

Wow, that was an incredibly long letter! And I'm gonna give you a long, detailed answer.

_No._

NEXT!

"_Dear mister Hawkeye._

_Can I be awesome like you ? I mean, you got electric sharks and that makes you awesome, right ? I got a big bad dragon, does that make me awesome too ? Just like you ?_

_How old is miss Cygnus ? She looks kinda young to be an empress, don't you think ? And who is cooler, Mir or Shinsoo ?_

_And, um... How do I deal with annoying brother aka Utah who always make me do all the chores and make fun of me and make me call him "big brother" all the time ? Pa and Ma won't approve if I set him on fire. So what should I do?"_

Of course you can't be as awesome as me, Evan! But you _can _try, though. And yes, my electric sharkies make me _fawesome _(only awesome people take the words 'fucking' and 'awesome' and merge them!) - your dragon is pretty cool, though? _What the hell do you feed that thing? Small children?_

And the Empress is no more than ten, I think. I never bothered to ask for her age, since all I need from her is to write some numbers on a pretty little cheque. Mir or Shinsoo... I choose Mir, since dragons are _fawesome _and big birds are just... meh. And you can deal with that brother of yours easily enough – here's my patented _'Awesomely Awesome Hawkeye's Awesome Get-Your-Awesome-Revenge Method'! _Now with three times the awesome!

Dig a hole.

Capture some Evil Eyes and put them in there.

Starve them for a day, then throw in some pork along with Utah.

Profit!

He's mad if he messes with you after that! Now, the next letter is from... Armarda. Dunno who that is but _WHATEVER!_

"_Hi there, Hawkeye! I got a series of questions for you. He! He! =D_

_1. How did you be part of the Commanders of Cygnus? (And please, no more answers about 'awesomeness' -_-")_

_2. Why did you like Oz so much?_

_3. Wait a minute! I thought you have K-Pop cancer! ?o_o?_

_4. If this question is written by one of Mihail's knight, would you gladly respond this question?_

_5. If this letter is written by one of Irine's follower (which is Me) but a fan of Mihail, would you gladly respond this question?_

_6. If this letter is written by one of the Black Magician followers, would you smash your computer immediately? XD"_

I joined the knights when... wow, that was quite a while ago. And the test to select the chief knights is _completely horrifying. _I don't want to remember, as it might ruin my awesome mind, so just ask someone else (like, I think this Zephyr Overlord dude is writing a story about how we became the chief knights)...

Me... like... Oz? H-How could you s-say that! I have no special feelings t-towards her, so d-don't misunderstand! We're just v-very good friends and comrades, that's all, r-really...!

K-pop... cancer! I do like K-pop to the point of death, yes, but... cancer? What bastard could've wrote rubbish like that? I'm totally fit. Watch me flex my muscles~

If Mihile's knights wrote this... fuck you.

If a follower of Irena/fan of Mihile wrote this... well I've already answered this question, no point deleting this wall of text, eh?

If the Black Wings wrote this... I would trash this computer if it wasn't my main source of entertainment in this little place. Dammit...

Now, a letter from Mercedes. Gulp. The queen of elves herself...

"_Hey, Dual Blade human! I have two weapon too! So therefore, I, Mercedes the elf queen, is awesome too. This title is, from now one, given to the royal blood only. So that means only I, the other four heroes and empress Cygnus is awesome._

_Anyway, here's some question for the Hawkeye human._

_1. Can you explain what's this human device I'm using. It's bigger than the palm of my hand and has something called "touch screen" and "a square in a round" button, quoted Aran. Young Evan seems to enjoy using it, but he's a kid so that doesn't count._

_2. If what the human girl Oz said: that you get human girl's attention more than the other two male humans, is true, then explain to me why ? Do you own a golden ship with a lots of treasure from everywhere in the Maple worlds ? Do you have unique fighting style ? Befriend with the Onyx dragon king ? Fight along side with the last Onyx dragon ? If not, then you can't get my attention, which worth more than those human girl._

_3. Tell your students whom empress Cygnus sent to protect my village to stop "hitting on" my people, especially Danika. Or else he'll "get an arrow to the knee", or however Phantom put it, from me."_

Take that, Dual Blade scum!

Um, that device is probably an iPhone, one of the more sophisticated devices from our time. It's an awesome piece of tech, almost as awesomeas me in fact. Evan likes iPhones? Really? I wonder where he got one... not many farm boys I know can operate an iPhone.

I don't have a flying ship of treasure, I don't have a unique fighting style, I don't know any Onyx Dragon, or use two bowguns at the same time. However, I have the one-of-a-kind Hawkeye charm, and the awesome hair that people would kill to touch. I can make human girls faint with a wink, and I'm awesome. _Awwwwwwesome. _Some suggested that I must be royalty, and last year I was Maple's Most Eligible Bachelor. Care to give me a try, elf queen? :3

Oh goddess, arrow to the knee...? Not _that _meme again... PHANTOM WHAT HAVE YOU DONE? Well, I can't stop them, since they all seem eager to become as awesome as me, so I guess you'll have to teach them the hard way. Go ahead and have fun! But... no arrows in knees though, otherwise they'll have to retire and tell everyone in Ereve "I used to be an adventurer like you, then I took an arrow to the knee."...

Whoo, that kept me busy thinking of suitable replies! Next up is a letter by... ThahnuFia, my first reviewer. Let's go!

"_Hey there Hawkeye. Today question will be about K-pop (which your awesomeness can't beat my knowledge)._

_1. Which group has the most fan ?_

_2. Has the most anti-fan ?_

_3. Is tallest ? (Average height from all the member)_

_4. Has most fangirl ?_

_5. Has most fanboy ?_

_6. Name the first girlgroup you think of when you read these words. No repeat: Most fashion, elegant, cutest, most beautiful, most handsome, most talented, most famous, best voice, best songs._

_7. Which group did Will. mention in his video on YouTube._

_8. Who went to US tour with the Jonas brother ?_

_9. Which group do you like the most ?"_

Due to safety reasons, I shall only answer questions number 6 and 9 – the last time I discussed K-pop on the internet, it ended up with two hundred pissed off fanboy warriors storming my house at 3 a.m and beating my sleeping body to a bloody pulp.

Girls' Generation. Nuff said. People may hate us but I'm being honest with you! Don't hate me just because I'm more awesome than you! Speaking of which, they recently had a concert in Ereve which ended... rather tragically. Just read the rest of Zephyr Overlord's _Fever Beat! t_o find out.

Cough. Next up, a Buccaneer (oh, joy)...

"_Hey Hawkeye, I've got a few questions._

_'t you stop shocking night walkers for a few days? My friend's already scared to go on his shift._

_2. can you try to teach a few of your students to become atleast a bit stronger? I've already lost count of how many thunder breakers I've planted into the ground in a fist fight. I sware, I need to go to the Temple of time to get a real brawl, and those knights are EVIL. But they atleast put up a fight._

_3. please stop trying to hit on for a while, it's for your own safety. I actually saw Valerie using a picture of yours as a target at the shooting range, muttering something about shooting you at point blank with the nautilus' entire artillery._

_4. To cut down on your loss of soldiers, I suggest to teach them some manners towards women. The next time one of them harasses me, I'm not gonna stop at a thunder breaker's head sticking out of a parking lot with the rest of the body buried under it. If not, I suggest purchasing a few dozen coffins."_

It's those damn night walkers' fault that I can't even take a step out of this stupid place. I've already completed Mass Effect 3 ten times over the past week... So they deserve it!

My knights are weak? Well, if you're a Buccaneer, chances are you are above level 120, and the max level of a knight is level 120. So you can probably take several of them on at once. You're always welcome to try and fight me, though! I have tied with Kyrin in a fight before, so let's see how you face my awesomeness...

Aww... So it seems Ms. Valerie has rejected my advances... And Kyrin too. Awwh damn. What a downer. Well there's always henta- uh, never mind...

Teaching _pirates MANNERS? _How am I supposed to do that? Now that I think about it, you're probably the most polite pirate I've met in a while. And don't worry, the coffins will be taken care of by the Empress. You, however, should prepare to run from the police.

_Ow ow ow ow ow cramp...! _Next question, by AliceDream!

"_Question Time ~_

_1. Would you rather crash with Me and Pinkbean (Temple of Time, typically I live with Pinkbean,He tells me to go back to leafre to train Lvl 111 :D) Horntail, Mushmom, Von leon, Or Zakum?_

_2. Did you know that one of the three portal in the temple of time will take you to the future, where you see everything in it's certain doom, ... I didn't say anything about certain doom Okay_

_3. I'm asian so I eat sharks :3 What do you think now?_

_4. J-pop or K-pop?_

_5. Do you like the Temple of time's Main Back ground music?_

_6. Which Hero do you like the most?_

_7. Are you really that awsome?_

_8. If you're that great then go challenge Aran himself, I dare you too, :D"_

You live... with Pink Bean? And I thought Manji was weird... I'd stay with Mushmom, she'd be a tasty snack and a nice pillow.

Future? What future? In the future, we'll probably spank the Black Mage so badly he'll run home crying for his mother and fuck off to wherever he came from. And... you eat shark fin soup? Hey, it's bad for the environment, and sharks are becoming increasingly rare after the recent increase in Cold Shark hunting parties! Lay off on the fishies for a while, will ya?

Teh K-POP FOR3VER LOLOLLOOOLOL!11!1!1!

Temple of Time's background music? Oh, so that's why I always see those ghosts floating around carrying instruments... Yes, I do. I particularly like the one titled 'Repentance'...

I like Evan the most, since he's a nice little kid. He's not as snobby as the rest tend to be. After him would be Phantom, I guess – the rest are just plain mean to me... TT_TT

And yes, for the umpteenth time, _I. Am. Awesome. Nuff said._

Challenge Aran! Why, that's an excellent idea! I might even get my ass landed in jail! Seriously though, the Erevian Council keep close watch over him. It's hard to be able to legally fight him, and he's already sent enough people to the hospital, so no thanks.

Wow... that's a lot of questions _! Well, I'm off to play Skyrim now. See you around, over and out!


End file.
